Time Well Spent

Ok, I'm back.

I apologize for being a crappy blogger but believe it or not, I don't always have something to say.  And even when I do, I'm getting old enough where I don't see anything good about saying it, so I choose to just be silent.

Pretty sure my mom just had a heart attack as she read that. haha

But seriously, I try to check and see what the daily blog challenge is every day and some times I feel less than inspired.  Lots of things have been happening in my world lately but frankly nothing that I want to write about.  And I'd rather not force my blog posts so I've just been quiet.  It's a new concept for me, but I kind of like it.

I do want to revisit an older topic of conversation though.  One that we discussed a while back.  I believe the title to the post was something like Electrocuted to Unplugged.  The theme was about how connected we are to technology.

I've recently made some changes in my life.  Some major, some not so major, at least in my way of thinking, but the....backlash I have seen from it has definitely given me pause to reevaluate a lot of things in my life, and for this I am thankful.

One of the things I did was purge my Facebook account.  I purged it of all the people who I just don't know well.  For many people Facebook is about having as many "friends" as possible.  Adding everyone that you could possibly know on the planet but I feel like this gives a very false sense of security in the idea of what a "friend" is.  I was discussing this with one of my good friends and she said that the most disconnected she has ever felt in her life is when her friendships were reduced to comments and messages on Facebook.  I have to agree.  So when I purged my account, I didn't delete people based on whether or not I liked them or if they had ever offended me, I simply deleted people who I didn't consider friends.  Like REAL LIFE friends.

To me a friend can come in a couple different forms and then there are acquaintances.  For example.  I have my close friends....people that I talk to almost daily.  I know what is going on in their lives and they know what is going on in mine.  We are involved with each other and our bonds are what help us get through the day to day struggles of life.

Then there are friendships that span across time and distance.  I have a quite a few friends, people that I knew years ago who I now rarely get to talk to.  For example, one such girl is married to a Marine.  She is moving constantly as is the way in a military family and she has a daughter now.  She is super busy with her own day to day life but every time we talk or when I get to see her, it's like we never missed a beat.  I have another friend that I get to see and talk to even less often, but the way she touched my life when we worked together, I'll never forget.  I'm not sure I have ever met a person with a purer heart or a gentler soul.  She is now a fashion designer in New York and married.  I don't get to talk to her often, but the way she lived her life every day when I knew her inspires me to this day.  I will always hold her in the highest esteem.  I have another friend who moved back to the DFW area who I've always respected.  He's literally one of the nicest people I've ever met and despite his joking he has one of the most tender hearts.

And then there's every one else.

Now the way I defined these things above have been slightly tweaked recently.  I've always had this problem, and my mom will agree, it is a problem, where I devote myself to too many things at once.  And people are no exception.  For a decent part of my younger life I was kind of treated like crap by lots of people.  I was mercilessly teased in elementary and middle school.  I remember coming home crying, a lot, and I remember my mother, in all of her gentle strength, teaching me lessons on how to stand on my own two feet.  How to not let the thoughts of others to affect what I thought of myself.  Then teenage years hit and I kind of forgot some of these lessons...as is the way of youth.  But then I had a father who stood by my mother and taught me those lessons all over again.  He taught me how to look at the big picture, how to look at the long run.  He taught me how to look beyond the moment, beyond the hurt feelings, beyond the things that seemed so epically important now on to what would be important later.  And then he taught me how to prepare myself for the good things to come.  He taught me how to take comfort in the knowledge that despite how circumstances now were less than could be desired, my struggles and my actions now, my preparations now would pay off in the end in a way that was far better than any ideal circumstances I could imagine for today.

My father said something to me this summer that struck me so strongly I wrote it down on  a receipt in my car while I was driving and managed to keep up with it despite moving.  I have since put it on a coffee cup so I can be reminded of it every morning.

Boldness comes from preparation.  The risk is insignificant.  

But it's completely true.  Every single decision we make today will affect our lives later.  Well because of what I felt was a lack of friendships as a younger child, I strove to make up for that in my adult life by having as many friends as possible.  But in my goal to have lots of friends, I ended up lowering my standards for what a friend should be.  I got better about it over the years. I got better about identifying certain people as friends and others as acquaintances.  But I still never really sat down with myself and considered what I thought a "friend" was supposed to be.  What kind of friend I wanted and what kind of friend I wanted to be.

I grew up, I moved on and I found myself in the company of a lot of really good people.  People I respect and admire.  People who have good things going for them.  People who are moving and grooving in life and trying to accomplish good things for themselves and their families.  So naturally I was drawn to these people.  I spent so much of my younger life surrounded by people who simply didn't give a shit about themselves much less anyone else (for example in school) that I relished at the chance to be friends with people and surround myself with people who were motivated, who had goals, who were doing things and going places.  Going good places.

Now of course I had the example of what I needed at home, as I described above.  But youth and wisdom rarely go hand in hand.  And while I am special...I'm not that special.

The mistake I made was thinking that just because you respect and admire someone means you're automatically friends with them.  Hang in there with me, I'm not saying this in a down-hearted way nor am I trying to be a pessimist.  There is a positive here.  There's nothing wrong with knowing people are good people and looking up to certain things they do in their lives.  That doesn't mean that I have to devote all of the time or energy into them (as I should do for my friends).  Because ultimately that's more people than I have time or energy for.  And ultimately, those people don't have the time or energy to give back to me either.  Nothing wrong or negative about it, it's just the way of life.  I can't be there for everyone in the way I would like to be and everyone can't be there for me the way I think they should be.  Part of being an adult and growing up is realizing that and letting things go.

So I've started downsizing my life.  Not in an effort to exclude anyone or cut myself off.  I'm still only a phone call away.  I'm just not going to wait for the phone to ring any more.  But I believe that friendships, real friendships, are worth the work and effort.  I know that being my friend isn't always easy...ask anyone who's ever helped me move.  I'm a true extrovert, so I need things from my friends.  I need pats on the back and words of encouragement.  I need that "atta girl! We're proud of you."  But for everything that I need from a friend I'm 100% willing to give it back and I have and I will continue to do so.

So when I look at the quantity of "friends" I have, I can do the math and see that I just don't have enough to give to them all what they should deserve as a friend, and they are all stretched just as thin as I am, so they don't have enough to give either.  Not to everyone anyways.  So I've started sliming down who I give to when it comes to the quantity and quality of my time, just as they have all done.  Of course there are emergencies and I'm always good for those.  I believe in good people helping other good people every day.  That's what makes this world go around.  But we don't have to all live under the illusion that we are best friends.  And that's ok.

It's OK to not be best friends with everyone.  And I'm not saying this to lecture...I'm saying this to myself!  This blog is about the lessons in life I've learned and how they guide me down this path.  So I'm learning, and I'm sharing.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

 - Scarlett

Two Roads Diverged In A Wood

I missed yesterday's blog challenge because I got super busy with work and Christmas Shopping, but I really really really love this prompt so I'm going to write about it instead of today's promt.

Tell us about a time you took the less traveled path.

This is pretty much the story of my life and I know my mom is probably rolling her eyes and nodding her head as she reads this.  My sister too.

No matter what guidance I have been given, no matter who it comes from, I have always done things my own way and in my own time.   Taking the path less traveled has kind of been my way of life for as long as I can remember.  Sometimes it has definitely been to my detriment because my own stubborn and hard head has not headed the wisdom that was offered to me.  But there have been other times, lots of times, when it has taken me on some pretty awesome adventures and brings me some great happiness.

I vaguely remember always being defiant and going against the grain when I was in school.  My mom can probably assist more on this in the comments.  I don't really remember a lot of my early childhood.  I played with barbies (totally normal) but my barbies were frontier pioneer women barbies.  They rode horses and made shelter and had adventures.  My barbies didn't drive a car, they drove a horse carriage that (with some 6 year old ingenuity) doubled as a covered wagon.  They didn't go shopping.  They fought and survived and tamed wild horses.

I remember always getting in trouble because I would roll and crawl around in the gravel on the play ground at school and it would get my jeans dirty and I kind of remember my mom giving up on dresses once I discovered scissors.

Side story: When I was in....1st grade I think, I decided that all of my dresses should have fringe on them.  So I used my school scissors to cut fringe in the hems of all my dresses.  I also decided that my bangs were not cut the way I liked, so I cut them myself.  And then I decided that I didn't like the seat belt in my moms car so I cut half way through it before she saw.  So if you ever wondered why it's such a big deal to elementary schools that you only buy scissors that will cut paper...there ya go.

Junior High is also kind of vague, but I definitely remember that I didn't want to be just like everyone else.  I was SUCH and awkward ugly duckling and I did NOT get along with the "preppy" girls.  And because I didn't like them, I didn't want to look anything like them.  Doc Martins were popular at the time.  I didn't want anything to do with them because preppy girls wore them and I didn't want anything like what they had.  Capri pants and button downs were coming in style for my age group.  NOPE.  Didn't want anything to do with it.  I wore jeans and super oversized t-shirts to school every day for a week before my dad was like... "Ok, that's enough."  I remember the battle that ensued between my mother and I at the mall.  It's not that I had anything against the clothes themselves.  I was completely against the type of people who wore them.

Seriously, what kind of 12 year old thinks like that?

High school was a similar version to junior high, only the pendulum swung in the other direction.  Most everyone else was unmotivated and wanted to half-ass school and just live in our home town their whole lives.  So I wore pretty much business casual cloths to school for the last couple years of school.  Slacks and heels and button downs every day.  I often was mistaken for a teacher by younger or new students.  I kicked butt in school got great grades, volunteered a lot and pretty much didn't spend any time with kids my own age outside of school except for when I was with my best friend in my grade.

There are probably a million other examples that escape me at the moment.  I'd love to see what my mom and sister might comment on this post.

A more recent example.  I recently moved.  I was living in town.  Not a super metropolitan area like Dallas or Austin, but the biggest city around and I moved about 50 miles outside of town to an old farm house.  And I LOVE it.  I feel safe, for one thing.  I don't have to wonder about who's walking up and down my street at night.  And when you live in town, sure there are bad areas, but no area is any safer than another when it comes to break ins and robberies.  The nicer neighborhoods get hit just as bad if not worse when it comes to that kind of stuff.

But regardless, I moved.  I'm not so far away that I can't drive into town.  I drive into town every week to run errands and such.  I've heard that it's been a topic of conversation amongst my friends and acquaintances as to why I moved.  To me it seemed the most natural thing in the world.  It's the closest I've been able to find that is similar to the way I grew up and that's what I wanted.  That's what makes me happy.  Feeling at home in my home.  But clearly this is the path less taken for a 26 year old single female with a law degree. This just is not done.  It's gotten to the point where some people have speculated that I moved because I wanted to cut ties with people and relationships.

What rubbish.

I moved because it makes me happy to live where I live and I feel safe and comfortable.  But by no means have I had the desire to cut relationships with people.  I did recently sever several relationships, but those were with people with which a relationship didn't exist to begin with.  And I have found that the people closest to me have kept in touch with me just as if I were living a mile down the street.  We have these things called phones.  They are kind of this revolutionary invention that made communication over distance super easy.

So to all of my family and friends who are thinking that I might be crazy and wondering why I moved way out to the "middle of nowhere."  I did it because that feels like home to me, just like your suburban 3 bedroom house with a 2 car garage and granite countertops and yard with a 8 foot fence on a half acre lot feels like home to you.  I don't make you wrong for living in town.  Don't make me wrong for living in the country.

 - Scarlett

PS.  Just want to give a shout out to Miss Jones, my Wagner, the future Dr. Murray, Nathaniel, and G for staying close despite the distance and thinking that our friendship is worth keeping up as much as I do. :-)

Cliche I know...but its so applicable.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

-Robert Frost

Running Late

Ok so I know I have been majorly slacking here but I've been running a little behind on this whole blogging thing but it's been a hell of a week/weekend.  Let me see if I can catch up a little here.

The last time I posted was last Wednesday.  I have not posted since then because I really don't have an internet connection at home that is sufficient to support much internet activity, particularly blogging.  As I was headed to work Thursday morning my part of Texas got hit with a NASTY ice storm.  When I left the house, weather was fine, but I didn't get terribly far down the road before it started raining and the rain was freezing on my windshield faster than my wipers could wipe it off.  It was ugly.  I wasn't far from home at that point, but I was still on the highway.  I was trying to find a good place to turn around when things kind of got wonky.  I was going....maybe 20 mph.  I think I was probably going slower, but regardless, the point is I was not going fast.  I came to a spot where the high way curved a little and Maud (my car) and I just didn't curve with it.

Now I've never been in a situation before where I hit ice like that but I was sort of having flash backs to drivers ed and my mom saying things like "Don't Panic," "Don't hit the brakes," "Turn into the spin instead of away from it."  Well I tried to do all of those things.  Didn't panic, didn't hit the brake or gas, tried to just let the car do what it was going to do because frankly there was nothing I could do about it at that point.

I'm not sure if I did a circle or not...I feel like I did a full circle and ended up in a ditch actually facing the proper way.  All things were good.  It wasn't a terribly rough experience.  The worst part was just the feeling of being in a several thousand pound vehicle and knowing that I had absolutely ZERO control over it.  Not pleasant.  And I was deep enough in the ditch that I was stuck. But all in all everything was fine.  My next big concern was that someone else was going to hit the same patch of ice and slide into me.  So I stayed in my vehicle, with it running and with my seat belt on and I proceeded to try to contact people who I thought could pull me out of the ditch.

That fear of someone else hitting me turned out to be very valid because not 30 seconds later another car who was I guess going faster than I had been spun out behind me and they hit the ditch hard.  Fortunately they were still about 40 yards behind me.  They had picked up enough speed though that they actually ended up in the freshly plowed field.  They were able to drive along the edge of the field and get to the road that was right in front of me.  But they had a flat tire and a crummy jack.  After I saw that no other cars were coming I got out and offered to let them use my super nifty hydraulic jack to speed up the process because it was COLD.

As we were getting their car jacked up some very nice guy, who said his name was Slugger, stopped in a 4x4 truck to check on us all.  He didn't have a tow strap with him but said he'd be right back.  And sure enough he did, he pulled my car out of the ditch with little effort.  I reassessed my vehicle, everything looked pretty decent.  Now I just needed to get my jack back from the other couple who had spun out.  Well apparently my jack is broken because it would not lower the car back down.

Slugger to the rescue again, he got his jack out, which actually worked properly and we were able to get my jack out from under their car and their tire changed.

I was closer to a little town than I was to my own house and it didn't seem like anything positive would happen if I tried to use one of the turn arounds on the highways.  My landlord runs a store in that little town so I knew if I made it there I'd be ok.  Well I did make it and I settled in and just waited for the initial phase of the storm to pass.  After the worst of it was over I took the back roads back to my house to avoid the high way and one of the guys from the store was kind enough to follow me home in a 4x4 truck...just in case.

And Home is where I stayed for the rest of the day.  By Friday afternoon, even though the temperatures were still below freezing the roads had been scraped and sanded.  I made it into Lubbock and got my car to the mechanic just to check on it.  I figured it would probably have to be realigned after that experience and I was right.  But if that's the worst that came out of it then I count myself lucky.

Everything's back to normal now but that's what's been happening.  I looked at some of the blogging challenges that I missed.  I'm just going to skip some of them because I don't feel like doing them, but there were some good ones.

Friday I was supposed to write about what I wish I had more time to do each day.  I wish I had more time each day to pray and to work out.  I seriously pray all day long.  Maybe it's not a settled, quiet, peaceful time of prayer, but I say little prayers to God throughout the day for all kinds of things as they occur to me.  But I wish I had more time to just sit down in the peace and quiet of my home and just meditate and pray.  What I really mean is that, while I spend all day talking to God, I wish I had more time in the day to sit down and actually listen to what He has to say back.  And the working out...well who couldn't use a little more time to work out each day??

Monday asks if I could banish one thing from the earth, tangible or intangible, what would it be?  I haven't put a ton of thought into this, but I would eliminate ethnic discrimination.  Ethnic discrimination is an absolutely common thread in every nation on every continent that has traditionally been the defining line in social and economic class structures.  Nationality, unfortunately has little bearing on these things.  Sure as American's we are typically better off than lots of other countries, but even in the history of our own country, poverty lines have often been drawn by race and ethnicity.  Look at a country like Rwanda.  (If you don't know what happened in Rwanda...google it and then be ashamed of yourself and your education.  You should know about this.) Now there were lots of factors that spurred what happened in Rwanda, but fundamental break down:  There were two ethnic classes and one of them traditionally ruled the country.  There was a rebellion and then one ethnic class tried to completely eliminate the other.  It was like the Holocaust, but on a smaller scale and not nearly as well talked about or taught in schools.  Most of the world just sort of sat by and ignored it because it stayed mostly within it's own nations borders.  Our own nation has dealt with and continues to deal with this.  And this isn't just white or black.  Region to region there are different "types" of poor people.  In some regions they are primarily of a hispanic decent.  In some they are of Irish descent.

My point is I feel like a WHOLE lot of the worlds problems would be solved if everything in life wasn't divided into an "US" and a "THEM."  Now of course there are always going to be countries against countries but the division that we see within each nation based only on someone's ethnic back ground just causes more misery than is necessary.  I'd get rid of that.

Today's post asks how good am I at putting others before myself.  Difficult question.  Especially since I am in a period of my life where I am being more than a little selfish and I'm doing it on purpose so I can get my life together and on the right track.  Generally I think I'm pretty decent at putting certain people before myself.  Like I go out of my way to do things for people that I care about and it's no sweat.  But I am by no means some kind of golden angel that is just selfless and thinks of everyone else first.  I guess right now I'm more of a "I don't think of others first, I think of them as I go" type girl.  My number one goal right now is to get my life together and on track.  Because frankly, if I don't have all of my ducks in a row, how am I supposed to help anyone else with theirs?  So right now I'm kinda living life in an all about me way, and if I think of you as I'm going, or I see something on my path that allows me to do something kind for you as I'm taking care of my own business, then I'll do it, no worries.

But I'm not ignoring my duties right now so that I can help you with yours...Sorry.
Im a relatively young, single female with a bunch of zero's tagged at the end of my name (student debt).  There's no one taking care of me but me and I simply can't afford to drop the ball any more than I already have just so I can help others out.  If I can help you as I go, cool.  If you're too far off the beaten path, you had better be super special for me to stop and head your direction.

That's not a very Christmas-y things to say.  Sorry.

 - Scarlett.   

When Is Enough Enough?

I would like to start out by saying a few things.

1. I am truly thankful for my true friends and family.  The people closest to me that make my day go round. The people that I pray for at night and who I know pray for me.

2. I can not stress....I mean absolutely stress how absolutely wonderful and crucial it is to purge your life REGULARLY of the "un-necessaries" in life.

The blogging challenge today asks me how often I go back for seconds.  But this kind of struck a cord with me.  For food, yes I go back for seconds some times.  I go back for seconds on pretty much anything that I like or that I think ads something good to my life.  Like working out or going to a fair with friends or camping.  These are things I will gladly repeat because they add positive things to my life.  

But then my ADD took that to the next level of yes...we all do that.  Hell, that is half of what is wrong with America is that we always go back not just for seconds, but for thirds and fourths and we do that with EVERYTHING.

Why is America a "fat"country....because people think it's ok and are proud of the fact that they cleaned their plate at the cheesecake factory.  Because people do not have any clue how to tell themselves NO.

No wonder kids act like uncontrolled heathens in the store...how do you really expect to tell your kid "NO" and enforce it when you can't even tell yourself, "No, I really don't need to eat that McDonalds Double Bacon Cheeseburger" or "No, I really don't need to watch another hour of TV" or "No, I can't sit here, I really do need to get up off my ass and go for a walk or something."  

WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!

imagine me snapping in front of your face...three times....in the shape of a Z just for emphasis lol

Ask yourself this.  What would my life be like if I said NO to more things?  What would my body look like if I said NO to eating out and eating fast food?  What would my body feel like if I said NO to those fries and that coke?  How clean would my house be if I didn't have a TV?  How much money would I save if I didn't have to go to the store for "something" every day?  What would my finances look like if I said NO I don't need that swanky car when this cheaper not as nice car will do exactly all I need?

We all go back for seconds....Oh I really loved that pumpkin pie...I'm going to eat another slice.  And then a slice for breakfast, and then one with lunch.  Ok at Thanksgiving once a year, that's not terrible...but people do that EVERY DAY.  They eat a snickers EVERY DAY.  

"Oh well I only have one diet coke a day"  

Guess what ladies....DIET COKE MAKES YOU FAT.  It's not good for you, it's not even better for you than a real coke.  I mean hell, if you're going to put shit in your body it might as well be real shit with real sugar instead of some chemical that some nerd who never sees the sun came up with in a lab. 

If you need the caffeine....go drink some TEA.  It's proven over and over and over again to be good for you.  And I'm not trying to come down super hard, I have my fair share of weaknesses.  But tea, real tea, not the crap in a Lipton box, actually tastes pretty good plain but if you just need that little extra in it, drop some honey in there.  It's also proven to be good for you. 

I'm sorry for ranting here...but my estrogen took a beautiful swan dive off of a cliff this week and this is part of the consequences of that.  If you're a woman, you should know what that means.  But back to the rant...

Is going back for seconds just the most terrible thing ever...no not all the time.  Seconds can be ok in life....but we have got to get a grip on this and realize that you don't NEED to go back for seconds EVERY DAY...or every week or even every month.  Do you really Need to get your nails done every week?  Do you really Need to eat a milk shake or a coke every day?  Do you really Need to watch 3 hours of TV a day?  Do you really Need another pair of chairs?  Do you really Need another shirt?  Do you really Need a new pair of jeans?  Do you really Need 8 million coffee cups?  Do you really Need  

The Answer Is A Resounding NO!

 - Scarlett

Never Mind The Glass!

So how full or how empty is your cup?

My challenge today asks just this very question.  With out a doubt, I have and always will be a half full kinda girl.

There are definitely times when life completely sucks.  Or I completely suck at life.  I will not deny that it is often user error.  But still, that is life.  Life often sucks and it sucks equally for everyone.  We always feel like we are the only one going through xyz situation and it is horrible and no one understands, but the facts are that these things happen to literally everyone.

Maybe I haven't always been quite so optimistic, but certainly since I moved out of my parents house and have been trying to learn how to stand on my own feet, I have learned to find the positive in every situation. (My mom taught me that)

I am in my mid twenties.  I graduated from undergrad, went to law school, and am now trying to find my way in this world.  Now to a lot of people, that's something.  I've done a lot.  I've been "successful."  I used to teach at an alternative school and we were very very lucky to have kids graduate and only a very small handful would even consider college.  But even still with all that "success" life still has it's challenges and I still screw up, regularly.

This time literally a year ago I was very suddenly and very unexpectedly unemployed.  Just fired. Out of no where.  Why?  For being too young.  My boss was a capricious old fart and decided after talking to me 3 times that he couldn't relate to me and just fired me.

Talk about life sucking.

I sold everything to pay my bills.  I sold my furniture, my bed, stuff out of my kitchen. I pretty much put everything I had for sale on craig's list.  At the end of it all, I had a couch and a $15 air mattress from walmart that I'd had for years.

So in the deepest of winter, I slept at first on the floor on my air mattress and then, after getting terribly sick, I put the mattress on top of the couch.  The only problem was that the mattress hung over the edge of the couch cushions by about 6 inches...so if I rolled over in the night I was at risk of the air mattress either shooting out from under me or flipping off the couch with the whole thing.

I am a lot better off now.  Looking back it is definitely comical now and I remember laughing at my situation then (again, glass half full) knowing that that period in my life was only a short chapter and certainly would not define my story.  And indeed it has not.  It's a funny part looking back now, but it was also full of lessons.

I also think a lot of people really don't know how they feel about the glass.  They aren't sure if it's half full or half empty.  Well I think that depends on what all you learn from the challenges in your life.  If you just go through challenges with the attitude of "this sucks and why does this always happen to me? I guess I'm just doomed....blah blah blah" then yeah you're probably a glass half empty person and you will always be that way because you're life will always suck because you don't learn anything.  But if you look at challenges and think "what am I supposed to learn from this?  This does suck now, but this is going to be funny later.  Wow, I should clearly never do xyz again and I won't find myself here" then I think you're a glass half full person.

Maybe I'm biased, but I think those people are better off anyways.  It seems to me they learn more.  Not putting myself on a pedestal either...as I've said before, I'm the smartest idiot I know.  I'm always making mistakes...some that confound even me.  But you live, you learn, you get back on your horse and you keep riding towards the sunset.  The beautiful, glorious, inspired-by-God sunset.

 - Scarlett

Have You Ever Been So Mad At Yourself...?

November was rough.  Not just the blogging challenge, but the month in general.

The process of moving was way more drawn out than I would have imagined.  So many days and nights going back and forth from my new house to the old to get yet another car load of crap.

The month started with bad news and well, December isn't starting off much better, but it does hold some more promise for me.

I'm really so mad at myself right now I can hardly think of what I want to write or if I should even bother writing, but I'm giving it a shot.  My challenge for the day asks if I will actually participate in the December Nablopomo.  My intentions are to participate, hence why I'm writing now.  But as my father would say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and those words are ringing true in my ears today.

I was supposed to do something VERY important during the month of November.  Something so important it literally affects my life.  I was supposed to re-apply for this epic test, the one I tried to take last July, but did not pass.

I had the whole application pretty much ready to go, I just needed to put a few finishing touches on it before dropping it in the mail.  That's really all I had to do.  I don't want to completely oversimplify it, because it is a ridiculous application and re-application.  But still, that's all I had to do.  All I had to do was tape a picture to it and drop it in the mail before I left to go home for the holidays.  The deadline was November 30.

Guess what was sitting on my kitchen table when I got home, under a stack of other random pieces of mail, on December 1?

Yup, my application.

Before you ask, yes I called to see if there was a period to turn it in late with a late fee.  Nope.  Not for the reapplication.

So I just officially screwed myself over....again.

Now there's nothing I can do about it.  So trying to look on the bright side here, kind of.  I am already studying at nights.  Not on quite the level of the test prep course because there are all kinds of videos and stuff that I can't watch right now, but I am studying regardless.  Due to this set back, I won't be able to take my test until July.  So I guess I have more time to study and get my new house in order and settled before the test.

But still....really mad at myself.  So mad at myself I really don't want to interact with people that much and I need some time to process.  So chances are pretty good I'll have my phone turned off except for during working hours for the next week or so.

I'm so mad that, despite the fact that I hate running with a passion, I really want to go for a run right now.  But I can't.  I have to work.  I have no real positive thing to say about all of this except that December has started.  I screwed up in November.  Nothing I can do about it now but reevaluate and move on.  Christmas is my favorite holiday.  New month and about to start a New Year.  The theme for this month is "More or Less" in which we are supposed to contemplate what we really need more or less of.  Well right now I need more of pulling my head out of my butt.

 - Scarlett