Wednesday, February 12, 2014

For Women's Eyes Only!!! No Boys Allowed!!

I started writing this blog so that I could discuss what it's really like to be a woman in this day and age.  But not just any woman, what it is like to be a single, educated woman in today's world.  I've recently come to a realization that I think really should be shared here, regardless of who, if anyone, reads this blog.

One of the most daunting struggles that we face in this age, I kid you not, is dating.  I can't even begin to enumerate all of the absurdity that goes into dating these days.  If you're my age, you get it, if you're my parents age, you remember, and if you're my grandparents age, you are blessed because most of this crap didn't exist for y'all.

I'll try to stay focused here.  I realize this is a vast topic that we could talk about for DAYS, but for the sake of any other females out there, I'll try to stay focused.

I have been put through the ringer when it comes to dating.  Who hasn't?  I have been cheated on, I have been used by another to cheat on his girlfriends (didn't know about that one till after the fact), I have been yelled and screamed at, I have been manipulated and controlled, I have been used for nothing more than my appearance.  I have even been picked up and pinned against the side of a car (no damage done, but that's not the point).  I'm not listing all these things out to get sympathy or to complain.  I list these things out because these are experiences that SO many of us share.  In one form or another, at least every mid-twenty's female in America has experienced some of these, if not all, and worse.  And this isn't right.


Now my mom listened to me rant and rave a couple weeks ago (all fueled by the lovely hormones that accompany PMS) and if you had talked to me a few weeks ago, you too would have heard me lecture about what little shits the men of this generation really are.

My list of complaints included why men can't just be men?  Why do SOOOOO many men think it is acceptable to define me by what I look like?  And not just me, but most women.  Why do so many men think it is ok to treat women like so many of us get treated.  Why is the interest men show me almost totally fueled by their perception of the odds that they will get to date/sleep with me?  What happened to the good old days when the only reason guys talked to me was because they genuinely wanted to be my friend?  Why do they think we should always be available, at their beck and call, for a date.  It's not like this is the mid 20th century when I literally have nothing to do but hang out.

I am a 26 year old single female living in America.  No one takes care of me but me.  I have a full time job.  I have my own chores and responsibilities.  I have to take care of myself and trust me, that is more than a full time job.  I even have my own fun and adventure so that I can blow off steam and don't kill everyone that crosses my path once a month.  I am a busy girl, damn it.

My mother will remember this quote:

"If I never hear the words 'sexy' or 'hot' to describe me again, it will be too soon."

But I have recently had a very very HONEST moment with myself.  And I encourage every woman who reads this to have an equally honest moment, because this life isn't going to get any better until we do.

Yes, no doubt, the guys of this generation are indeed little shits.

But I realized yesterday, that for the past 10 years I have allowed guys to treat me like I am less than I am.  For the past 10 years, I have encouraged and, if I'm being super honest here, HOPED for everything that I now despise.  Now, I'm not sending the pendulum in the whole other direction here, it's not like I'm writhing in guilt and I'm having some destructive self depreciating moment.

Don't misunderstand me ladies,  I am a bad-ass woman.  I am a goddess and a queen.  I am a Daughter of a Living God, made in HIS image, redeemed, not by my own merit (because believe me, there is none), but by HIS GRACE and I deserve to be treated as such.  (AND YOU ARE TOO!!)  However, I can hardly expect anyone to treat me the way I deserve when for so long I have let them to treat me like I'm less.

What makes me mad this morning, what fuels my fingertips as I type this out, is the knowledge that all the BULL I have put up with and tolerated, that I have allowed to scar my wasn't just the fault of some bad apple boy that I got involved with.  I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN.  Every time I hung on, waiting for that phone call/text/skype/facebook message, finally getting it, finally getting that date only to be let down by a bad relationship later.  Every time I went into the arms of a man when he called just to be used and disappointed and hurt by a toxic relationship later.  Every time I went, I hoped for greatness, I hoped for passion, I hoped for LOVE.  And every time I was let down, disappointed, hurt, crushed, left with a heart that was bruised, battered, and scarred.

And every time this happened I was left feeling that I was worth less than I am.  We do this so often ladies.  We hope, and we struggle and we FIGHT for what we want.  But is that thing we want really worth fighting for?  How are you being treated?  Is that really what you see for yourself for the rest of your life?  Is that really all the glory that God has promised you? Then why are you fighting for it??  Warm Fuzzies?  That idea of companionship?  Someone to lean on when times get tough?  Short term fulfillment ladies, and the scars you come out of it with are NOT WORTH IT because you come out of it feeling that you're only worth as much as the last guy thought you were worth.  And with each relationship you get lower and lower.  How is that good for you?  How is that healthy??  How does that help you grow into and fulfill the PROMISES God has set out for you?

Don't hear a jaded woman preaching against men!  I'm not saying don't date, I'm just saying be smart, and be honest.  Take a minute each day and evaluate what your time is worth?  What are your tears worth?  Take a minute to cut out all of the feel-good-warm-fuzzies and ask yourself "Is this really what I am meant for?  Is this really what I am worth?"  And if the answer is NO, then LET IT GO!!  Those battle scars aren't badges of honor when it comes to the heart, it just makes it tougher for you to accept the real thing when it comes along.

I'm not hear to dash the hopes of young women dating.  I only speak on the things I most need to hear myself.  I'm talking to my own heart here.  I share it here because it's possible that someone else might be able to learn a lesson a little easier with out having to live through the 10 years of mistakes.

I'll leave you with this e-card I just saw.  Made me smile. :-)

 - Scarlett

1 comment:

  1. I am glad that you are making these realizations now. I think it is important that everyone know that you only get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. It doesn't matter if you are talking about a significant other or friends or co-workers or family. It goes for any and all relationships, and it goes both ways. You should love yourself enough to make your own music, walk to the beat of your own drum, own who you are. For women, we have to learn to stop hating ourselves first. Then, it is sort of like dating ourselves. Then when we love ourselves, is when we can love someone else. The reason that works - if you love yourself - you have parameters for what you will allow others to do. You define what loving you is - not some jack-wagon!

    God made woman for man - not to own and abuse - think more along the lines of a present or gift. If you don't like the way you are viewed - how are you presenting yourself? What's the wrapping paper and the bow like? And are you a party-favor for everyone? Or that one special gift for someone special?

    There is no excuse - ever - for someone to put their hands on you. If you find yourself in a situation where that does happen, you have to cut all ties with that person then and there. ALL ties. We're not going to be friends. We're not going to pretend like this didn't happen and keep dating. It's finished and over right then and there.

    I had one guy put his hands on me. Once I got to my feet, I kicked him out of my house and then proceeded to burn his favorite concert t-shirt in the driveway after he left. That was it. It was over. No excuses. No questions. If that line is ever crossed - there are no second chances.