Regrets

So here's a little lesson in following your instincts...again.

I live about 300 miles away from my family, well the close relatives anyways.  But I only live 45 minutes from some other extended family. 

Yes, this is Texas, where we tell distance in terms of time.  Sorry if your state isn't that cool.

About a month or so ago, I was talking to my mom and said, I should go visit the family up there.  I haven't seen them in over 10 years.

But as most of my thoughts, I thought of it, but then did not follow through. 

Well my great uncle (who lived 45 minutes away) died last Friday.  And I never went and visited.

So I did end up getting to see a bunch of my family at the funeral but I didn't get to know my great uncle.

Anyways.  It's not like I'm sitting here crying all woe is me over this.  I'm just saying it sucks.  I should have followed my gut on that one and made some affirmative steps towards going and visiting them before he died.  I don't know what I would have learned from it or what the experience would have been, but I'm sure I would have learned something.  That's just what happens when I hang out with old people.  Which might be why I like them so much.

Maybe there was something really neat I could have learned from him.  But I'll never know.  So now my goal is to just start listening to my instincts more and to stop fighting it.  I don't know why I fight it, but I do.  Time to get over that.

I'm choosing a path that my gut and God will lead me down.  Because we all know nothing phenomenally great will come of it if I am in charge...

Bad Idea

A little delayed in posting this but it's a story worth telling.

So a couple weekends ago a friend came in from out of town.  A bunch of us old friends got together and were hanging out all day but then decided that we would regroup later that evening and we were going to go OUT!

That's right, OUT! Like to a club.

I have not been out to a "club" in quite some time and after this experience, I know why.

We started out at a local watering hole.  Nothing swanky.  Just had some fun, relaxed, had a drink or two (seriously, 2 drinks) and caught up.  Of course my friend had other friends come out and so we were all getting acquainted as well. Everything is going well, everyone is getting along and having a good time laughing and telling stories.

As the night goes on, my friend says "Hey, Let's all go to this other bar!" I'll call it Club Z.  Since we've all come there to see him, we have no problems with going where he wants to go.  We all want to make sure he has fun and gets to see all of his friends.  So we all load up and head over to Club Z.  It was really cold and I didn't feel like walking all the way to my car so I just rode with my friend and two other people.

First bad idea of the night.  NEVER RIDE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  ALWAYS TAKE YOUR OWN CAR IF YOU PLAN ON STAYING SOBER. (which I did.)

Well we get to Club Z.  I have never been there on a Saturday night and I was immediately regretting the decision.  Techno is not music.  I don't know what it is, but if I can't dance to it, I have a hard time calling it music.  Well apparently Club Z is all about the techno.  Club Z is also an open air bar on the top floor of a building.  And it was cold.  So the only way to stay warm was to be in the middle of the mass huddle of people who were drunkenly trying to dance to the techno.

It was awful.  

So I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I now have to be VERY VERY close to a lot of people that I'd rather not touch with a 10 foot pole.  In addition to this, one of my buddy's friends has decided that he likes me.  How or why, I have no idea but he got it in his head that he was going to spend the whole evening in Club Z talking to me.  I'm sure this guy was very nice but I was just not interested.  But I was trying to be nice and I didn't want to be rude.

NOTE TO GUYS:  Some girls like it, I guess, for a guy to hug and hang all over them in a bar and hold their hand.  THIS GIRL DOES NOT!!!

I don't know what this guy's problem was but he wanted to hold my and and put his arm around me.  All under the guise of trying to keep me warm, you know since it was so cold.

I did everything I could to ditch this guy.  I would just take off randomly through the crowd.  I would go to the girls bathroom.  I even went out onto the balcony where it was cold.  Nope.  I just could not shake this dude.  Every time he would put his arm around me I would shrug it off.  Every time he would try to hold my hand I would shake it loose and put it in my pocket.  I even went so far as saying" I really hate this club because I hate being touched and all these drunk people keep bumping into me and touching me."

NOPE.  Went right over his head.

So then I got desperate. I thought, well maybe I'll bore him into going to find another girl to talk to.  So I started talking about my dogs.  And if you know me, I can talk about my critters all day long.  So I talked and talked and talked about my dogs.  How I like them more than most people.  How I let them sleep on the bed.  Nope.  Dude was still with me.

Finally I saw my ex-boyfriend out with his new girlfriend and felt a wave of relief wash over me.  I quickly ran over to them and asked if they were planning on leaving early.  They said yes so I asked if they would mind taking me to my car at the first bar.  They said they would be willing.  I have never been so happy to see my ex.  Not even when we were dating was I ever as happy to see him as I was at that moment.  While I was waiting for them to get ready to leave I was still having to deal with super friendly dude.  I couldn't take it any more.  Finally I text my buddy, the guy I had originally come out to hang out with and asked him if he would please call off this dog that was attached to my hip.  He finally came over and said something to his friend and the guy backed off a little.  BUT HE STILL WOULDN'T LEAVE MY SIDE.

When my ex and his girlfriend decided they were ready I leapt for joy and excitedly followed them out of the club.  I have decided to never go back there again.  My ex and his girlfriend dropped me off at my car.  I thanked them for saving me, hurried home, dove into my pajamas and fixed some hot chocolate before I drifted off to sleep.

How does this relate to choosing a direction?

I am choosing never to go down that path again.  I am officially too old for that nonsense.  Once upon a time, that would have been a fun evening.  But never again will that be a part of my story.  

Follow Your Instincts

I can't speak for guys, but I know as girls we often have initial instincts but then we over think it and out smart ourselves into not making the best decisions.

I struggle with this.  I have good strong gut instincts, but all to often I second guess myself, over analyze all of the possibilities and then make the biggest mistake and stop to consider what do I "feel" like doing.

Well I'm hear to tell you that God has taught me a little lesson in following your instincts tonight in the simplest of ways.

Meet Dudette.  Dudette is a turtle. A large turtle that was just walking down my street this evening.  And she was booking it, like she clearly had places to go.  I live in a centrally located neighborhood and I can say that I haven't seen a single turtle on my street in the 2 years I've lived here.  So I went to investigate, as is my way.  Turns out Dudeette is a water turtle, adding to all of the mystery of how she came to be on my block because I am not anywhere even remotely near water.  So I did what you're supposed to do with wild turtles.  I picked her up and took her across the road in the direction she was headed.  I went inside and then thought about it some more.  Dudette was headed towards a MAJOR street that was at the end of my block and at this hour, she would get run over.

So I went back for her.

Dudette had now crossed the street in a northerly direction and was struggling to climb over a curb.  I scooped her up and decided I'd do her one better.  I'd take her to the nicest, largest playa lake in Lubbock which was about a mile from my house.  We got in the car and off we went.

She's kind of a beast.

When we arrived down at the lake, I took her to the water's edge and set her gently in some shallow water that was close to a big concrete drain structure so she'd have some cover near by.  I walked off about 15 feet and waited.  After a second, she came out of her shell and took a long drink of water.  I'm not sure how long she had been walking to find herself in my neighborhood but there was no water around so I can only imagine how thirsty she was.  After drinking, she plodded around in the shallows and then swam away. 

I was curious about what kind of turtle she was so I posted these pictures with some close up of her shell on some turtle forums.  One person said she must have gotten lost while looking for a new pond.  I guess if they outgrow their pond or there are no mates they will search for a new one.

I'm no expert in turtle behavior, but I am pretty sharp when it comes to critters and this girl was not lost.  She knew exactly where she was headed regardless of how dangerous it might be.  It's a wonder she made it to my house.  So I started looking at the factors.  We have a cold wind blowing in from the North and the biggest lake in town is North East of my house.  She wasn't lost, she was following the smell of water and that's where she was headed.  She had clearly chosen her direction.

Now sure, it's not likely she would have made it unharmed considering the roads she had to cross, but how interesting that right when it was about to be more than she could handle on her own someone who was capable came along to help her.

This comes on the heels of my last post about following your dreams.  With that you have to follow your instincts. If you know what's right, if you know where you're supposed to be then GO!  Is it always going to be safe? Probably not.  But if you were meant to go that direction, there will be someone there to help you through the rough parts.

Way to go Dudette.  May you find plenty of food, solid shelter, and a little turtle friend.  Way to follow your instincts.  Look where it got you :-)

Here's to following your instincts and may you never let fear interfere with God's plan for you!  If HE didn't abandon this simple water turtle, why do you think He would abandon YOU?

- Scarlett 

How Far

So I saw a Facebook status today that read "How far are you willing to go for your dreams?"

I was in a slightly cynical mood because of loud obnoxious people around me at work and my first response was "Well, I've invested 7 years and over $100,000.00 in mine, so apparently I'm willing to go pretty far."

But then I thought about the question some more.  I invested several years and $100,000 in my law degree.  But can I honestly say that is my dream?

And I came to the conclusion that No, it's not my Dream.  Do I dream about being a lawyer?  No.  Do I get up every morning and envision myself winning some big case and walking victoriously from a courtroom? No.

Can or have I imagine all of those things? Absolutely and they do make me feel very warm and fuzzy inside.

So then I was suddenly burdened with this question of well, what is my dream?  You just can't not have a dream right?  I'm pretty sure I had one once but then it went somewhere and now I can't find it. I know what makes me happy.  I know what I enjoy but I'm not sure I know exactly what my dream is anymore.

So I started where you should always start, at the beginning.  What WAS my dream?  Well for most of my life, growing up, I convinced myself that I was going to be a veterinarian.  That WAS my dream.  I had ordered a course catalogue for Texas A&M University as a 7th grader just so I could see what kinds of classes were offered and start making my plans.

Yeah, I was that kid. Don't judge me.

But then somewhere along the way in high school that dream changed.  Actually if I'm honest about it, what I kind of remember happening is being told a couple times by a couple people (who were absolutely insignificant and from what I can recall had never accomplished anything great in their lives) told me that it would be really hard and that I had better be really really good at Math and Science or I'd fail out.

And at the time I thought about it and I was really good at Math, but the science program at my high school was a joke.  As in one of the laziest kids in the school got a B in AP Chemistry joke.  And I was weak.  I listened to what these people said and I let it destroy my literally LIFE LONG dream of being a vet.  Now I'm not trying to blame it on them by any means.  That's just what people do, they tell you can't do something when they know they can't do it.  I blame it on me.  I just gave up.

Have you ever just given up on a real dream?  Ask yourself honestly and if you feel like sharing, please do.  There is an Anonymous option down there in the comments.

So then what? Well I stumbled through college, waited until the absolute LAST second to pick a major and what was it?  Something exciting? No. I was an English literature major. I love to read so it was an easy major.

I picked what was comfortable.

I knew I would be successful as an English Major.  There was no risk.  But then what?  Would I be a teacher?  Ummmmm no.  Not just no but hell no.  Thought about it for a bit, just to say I thought about it, but it was never my dream and I know that unless you feel called to be a teacher, you have no business in a school.  So what now?  Well I had been a high school and collegiate debater.  I had spent my whole life arguing with my mother and I was smart.  I thought quick on my feet. So law school it was.  Seemed natural enough.  And off I went.  Boy was that a miserable experience.

So now here I am with one useless degree and one awesome one that I did not really enjoy earning.

If you're reading this and you're one of those people that really enjoyed law school.  You're officially weird. In case you didn't know.

It's an interesting place to be in life.  I've got an awesome tool belt and it is stocked full of the latest gizmos and gadgets.  Tools that are sparkling and waiting to be used, but now I have NO idea what I want to build.

This topic was on my mind literally ALL day while I was at work.  What do I want now?  What is my dream now?  I can come up with all kinds of answers.  I want to be happy.  I want to be surrounded by animals.  I want to help people.  I want to wear boots and jeans to work every day.  I want to take my dogs to work. (my dogs are awesome btw) I want to be financially stable.  I want to be debt free. I want to nurture and protect.

What it boils down to is I want to be my mom.  Now part of that is kind of impossible right now because well, I'm single and I don't have any kids that don't have four legs and fur.  But my mom is like the coolest person I know.  She is surrounded by critters all day, she keeps bees and chickens and makes her own honey.  She grows all kinds of good nourishing food in her own garden.  She knows about all of this cool nifty stuff that improves her quality of life.  Even simple things like rinsing my hair with an apple cider vinegar mixture.  She just knows all this stuff that I don't know!  She's a fighter! And she's a wonderful mother.  I know I probably have not made her feel like it on multiple occasions but she's the strongest person I know and I am SO proud of her.  Without putting everything out there I'll just tell you that my mom has been through more shit (and that's the only word for it) in her life than anyone should ever have to put up with but despite all of that she dedicated her life to raising me and my sister and to being a godly wife.  And in my humble opinion she's done a bang up job.  She is extremely smart.  Anything she puts her hand to, she's researched it and knows what's up.  She's more well read than I am and I was an English Lit major and she did not go to college.  She's the strongest woman I've ever seen in real life and she loves God.

I want to be just like her.  But there are all these other things that need to fall into place for that to happen.  One of which is finding a man...and whew...let's talk about that on a different day.  Before even that can happen there's all this stuff that I need to do first and that's a complicated list.

So for now I'll close with the fact that my first dream would have been an easy one.  Follow steps A, B, C, D, pass some tests, here's your degree in Veterinary Medicine. But this new ultimate goal I have is going to be SO MUCH HARDER to accomplish.  I don't know if I'll ever get there.  So for now I'm not going to worry about stating my dream in terms of what I do, which is what so many of us do.  Instead I'm going to let my dream be what it is, unattached to my job and then just work really hard at my job to afford me the chance to develop my dream.  My Dad taught me that, and I'll have to go into all the things he's taught me on another day.

If you feel like sharing, please do. Tell me what your dream is, or what it was.  Have you achieved it? Did something get in the way?  Tell me I'm not alone in this.

- Scarlett

  

Hi

I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself and let you know a little about what I plan to write.

My name is Scarlett and I am just a woman/girl.  (Still unsure if I belong entirely in one category or the other.)  I grew up in the country and that is always where my heart will remain.  I say I grew up...I'm not sure I every really grew up, or ever will.  If you stick with me, you'll find I'm very much a child and utterly ridiculous.  I received my undergraduate degree in 2009 and then I went on to law school and graduated in 2012. 

Now "I'm just a girl in the world" trying to figure this life out.  

Go ahead you know you're singing it already...Where are my No Doubt fans?

Seriously though, I'm just trying to choose a direction.  Everyday, making decisions, all of which are guiding me in one direction or another. 

My problem solving style is tackle the problem head on, like a bull charging a matador.  Sometimes however, that matador vaporizes and suddenly this bull is in a china shop.  So now this bull is trying to learn some lessons in delicacy and grace.   And then sometimes I just have to say to hell with it, pour a glass of wine and watch Mulan and start again the next day.

As most people know, you have a few good FRIENDS and lots of good ACQUAINTANCES.  I am no exception, though I thought I was for years.  (I'm special...as in sometimes I think I'm so special life is what I want it to be rather than what it actually is.)  But now I recognize my friends and they too are all strong, intelligent, strong minded women who are constantly busting their butts to make their way in this world.  They are also trying to choose their direction and we are walking (sometimes stumbling) down this road together.  

I know there are lots more strong, intelligent people out there who I am not close to or acquainted with.  I hope in this blog to reach out to those people and to have them reach out to me. I want to create dialogues that are meant to encourage and uplift us.  And along the way I will share some of the absolutely ridiculous things that happen in my life.  Hopefully I will find that I am not alone.  That I am not crazy and that there are other people out there who are "not normal" right along with me and totally ok with it.  

I encourage comments and discussion and am open to suggestions for topics. :-)

Thanks for hanging out with me!

- Scarlett