Thursday, October 10, 2013

How Far

So I saw a Facebook status today that read "How far are you willing to go for your dreams?"

I was in a slightly cynical mood because of loud obnoxious people around me at work and my first response was "Well, I've invested 7 years and over $100,000.00 in mine, so apparently I'm willing to go pretty far."

But then I thought about the question some more.  I invested several years and $100,000 in my law degree.  But can I honestly say that is my dream?

And I came to the conclusion that No, it's not my Dream.  Do I dream about being a lawyer?  No.  Do I get up every morning and envision myself winning some big case and walking victoriously from a courtroom? No.

Can or have I imagine all of those things? Absolutely and they do make me feel very warm and fuzzy inside.

So then I was suddenly burdened with this question of well, what is my dream?  You just can't not have a dream right?  I'm pretty sure I had one once but then it went somewhere and now I can't find it. I know what makes me happy.  I know what I enjoy but I'm not sure I know exactly what my dream is anymore.

So I started where you should always start, at the beginning.  What WAS my dream?  Well for most of my life, growing up, I convinced myself that I was going to be a veterinarian.  That WAS my dream.  I had ordered a course catalogue for Texas A&M University as a 7th grader just so I could see what kinds of classes were offered and start making my plans.

Yeah, I was that kid. Don't judge me.

But then somewhere along the way in high school that dream changed.  Actually if I'm honest about it, what I kind of remember happening is being told a couple times by a couple people (who were absolutely insignificant and from what I can recall had never accomplished anything great in their lives) told me that it would be really hard and that I had better be really really good at Math and Science or I'd fail out.

And at the time I thought about it and I was really good at Math, but the science program at my high school was a joke.  As in one of the laziest kids in the school got a B in AP Chemistry joke.  And I was weak.  I listened to what these people said and I let it destroy my literally LIFE LONG dream of being a vet.  Now I'm not trying to blame it on them by any means.  That's just what people do, they tell you can't do something when they know they can't do it.  I blame it on me.  I just gave up.

Have you ever just given up on a real dream?  Ask yourself honestly and if you feel like sharing, please do.  There is an Anonymous option down there in the comments.

So then what? Well I stumbled through college, waited until the absolute LAST second to pick a major and what was it?  Something exciting? No. I was an English literature major. I love to read so it was an easy major.

I picked what was comfortable.

I knew I would be successful as an English Major.  There was no risk.  But then what?  Would I be a teacher?  Ummmmm no.  Not just no but hell no.  Thought about it for a bit, just to say I thought about it, but it was never my dream and I know that unless you feel called to be a teacher, you have no business in a school.  So what now?  Well I had been a high school and collegiate debater.  I had spent my whole life arguing with my mother and I was smart.  I thought quick on my feet. So law school it was.  Seemed natural enough.  And off I went.  Boy was that a miserable experience.

So now here I am with one useless degree and one awesome one that I did not really enjoy earning.

If you're reading this and you're one of those people that really enjoyed law school.  You're officially weird. In case you didn't know.

It's an interesting place to be in life.  I've got an awesome tool belt and it is stocked full of the latest gizmos and gadgets.  Tools that are sparkling and waiting to be used, but now I have NO idea what I want to build.

This topic was on my mind literally ALL day while I was at work.  What do I want now?  What is my dream now?  I can come up with all kinds of answers.  I want to be happy.  I want to be surrounded by animals.  I want to help people.  I want to wear boots and jeans to work every day.  I want to take my dogs to work. (my dogs are awesome btw) I want to be financially stable.  I want to be debt free. I want to nurture and protect.

What it boils down to is I want to be my mom.  Now part of that is kind of impossible right now because well, I'm single and I don't have any kids that don't have four legs and fur.  But my mom is like the coolest person I know.  She is surrounded by critters all day, she keeps bees and chickens and makes her own honey.  She grows all kinds of good nourishing food in her own garden.  She knows about all of this cool nifty stuff that improves her quality of life.  Even simple things like rinsing my hair with an apple cider vinegar mixture.  She just knows all this stuff that I don't know!  She's a fighter! And she's a wonderful mother.  I know I probably have not made her feel like it on multiple occasions but she's the strongest person I know and I am SO proud of her.  Without putting everything out there I'll just tell you that my mom has been through more shit (and that's the only word for it) in her life than anyone should ever have to put up with but despite all of that she dedicated her life to raising me and my sister and to being a godly wife.  And in my humble opinion she's done a bang up job.  She is extremely smart.  Anything she puts her hand to, she's researched it and knows what's up.  She's more well read than I am and I was an English Lit major and she did not go to college.  She's the strongest woman I've ever seen in real life and she loves God.

I want to be just like her.  But there are all these other things that need to fall into place for that to happen.  One of which is finding a man...and whew...let's talk about that on a different day.  Before even that can happen there's all this stuff that I need to do first and that's a complicated list.

So for now I'll close with the fact that my first dream would have been an easy one.  Follow steps A, B, C, D, pass some tests, here's your degree in Veterinary Medicine. But this new ultimate goal I have is going to be SO MUCH HARDER to accomplish.  I don't know if I'll ever get there.  So for now I'm not going to worry about stating my dream in terms of what I do, which is what so many of us do.  Instead I'm going to let my dream be what it is, unattached to my job and then just work really hard at my job to afford me the chance to develop my dream.  My Dad taught me that, and I'll have to go into all the things he's taught me on another day.

If you feel like sharing, please do. Tell me what your dream is, or what it was.  Have you achieved it? Did something get in the way?  Tell me I'm not alone in this.

- Scarlett



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  2. Hahaha Well I wasn't going to say names, lol but never mind that now. It's not his fault. Quote from the video I posted. People can't do something, they want to tell you you can't do it. It's on me for giving up. For being weak. Not him. But this is what I meant when I said you're a fighter. I love and appreciate that Momma Bear passion.

  3. I have thought about doing it more than once, but to actually hear you 'say it' out loud really made me want to do it again. I have calmed down a bit, and I probably won't kick him in the nuts at the next family get together, but I will have to restrain myself. It is not his fault. He gave you what he was given his whole life - 'No. You can't do that!' It is sad because he is way too old to do anything about it now. You on the other hand little GrassHopper!...

    It is not your fault for giving up on something. You were just a kid and what you wanted was scary. You had a grown man telling you it was impossible. The only thing that lies on your shoulders - you listened to him instead of us. We tried to tell you he was an idiot. But, I have tried to tell you a lot of things and you are just like me, in the fact that once someone is TELLING you - you stop listening.

    Beside the point.

    You have your whole life ahead of you. Listen to the people who have your best interest at heart, and give the rest the bird. You have an amazing opportunity to do good for others and for yourself with your degree. Your future will be full of the things you fill it with. Either pick what you love or crap. It is up to you.

    Thank you for the nice things you said about me. Very flattered. Moved. May have even cried a little. Just know that everyone has their own stuff. Things aren't alway peachy on the inside. I have struggles. I have dreams. Just put your head down and get to work.